The Art of the Question

My week with "Couples Therapy"

What would Orna ask? This is the mantra that every couple who sits on the couch across from Orna Guralnik in the Showtime series Couples Therapy walks away with. This weird, completely intrusive slice of reality TV first took my imagination in 2019 when its first season aired. I kept up with it through the pandemic, comforted by seeing how this incredibly cool, well-coiffed, and extremely stylish therapist had to live just like us - from behind a screen and in a Zoom room. I devoured the profile about her in the New Yorker further sinking into my fangirl status. And then I got busy with a whole lot of life and other stellar TV (you know, like Ramy and The Bear and Reservation Dogs) and totally lost track of Orna and her perfectly structured and proportioned outfits.

Yes, I have spoken about her clothes twice now which I shouldn’t do because as a feminist I should not pay attention to how cool someone looks but I’m also human and this is ALL. PART. OF. IT. It is all part of the Orna-power, the Orna-mystique, the Orna-way. Literally, the last scene of this most recent season is her getting her dog to talk. You cannot fake that kind of genius.

This past week, I had a little more time to myself and remembered to take advantage of the intricacies of my streaming services, tapping in with Orna and the couples she works with. I had not one but two and a half seasons at my fingertips and could not get enough. But what struck me in my approach to watching this time as opposed to a couple of years ago was my own focus. While I’ve always been an OrnaFan, I used to watch because of my fascination with the couples themselves, the people sitting across from her on the couch, with all of their beautiful and painful dynamics on display. I would find ways to root for them while also slightly judging their dysfunction (again…human). I would wonder what possessed them to do this incredibly vulnerable work on screen as well as be in awe of them for doing it. I would be taken with them and their stories and almost let Orna do what she wants to, which is fade into the background as the facilitator of their own discovery.

This time, with these seasons, however, I couldn’t get enough of observing her. Now, I also would like to point out that I think the show has shifted a bit of its focus, letting us see her in not just one-on-one sessions with her mentor but now we get to see her in meetings with her peer group. So, more Orna. But even within the sessions with couples, I couldn’t tear myself away from seeing how she would facilitate a conversation, pull one person out to balance a narrative, and ask the perfect follow-up question. Most of the time that question is one of two things: “where are you right now?” or “what are you hearing?” A predictable but nevertheless powerful follow-up is “what is that making you feel?” It is through the most simple questions that Orna is able to hold up mirrors to these couples and help them see and shift dynamics in their relationships. Now, I know at this point in my life that the simplest things are often the hardest so I know I am watching an expert at work. I won’t be fooled into thinking that I could do this but I am pondering the art of the question.

I have a few friends in my life that ask the perfect follow-up questions every time. Sometimes, we’re one-on-one and they just come at me with a zinger that makes my whole world shift a little on its axis because I’ve never thought of it just that way before. Other times, I’ll watch these friends talk to other people and ask joyful, fun follow-up questions that make their conversation partner or the group come alive with an electricity that keeps any social gathering afloat. I am so grateful to know them and learn from them just like Orna.

I have professors that are literally taught how to do this in classrooms to keep us on our toes, to keep us engaged, to keep our ideas in formation before becoming too fixed. It has been the gift of a lifetime to enter back into those kinds of spaces and conversations as an adult learner and truly remember that we are never done thinking about things in new ways. One of my favorite questions (this could be considered your first Grit Expectations giveaway) is “what’s at stake [in that] for you?” Applied broadly, every time I ask this, I arrive at a new understanding of myself. Applied theologically, I arrive at new understandings of God. It’s another zinger.

The art of the question is about the question as well as when and how to ask it. Orna believes in the power of language - she says it often. She crafts her questions with purpose. She knows how to both hear a response and what is underneath it. She can quietly work with what she receives to get to the next question. But she doesn’t rush. Orna is a calm force in her space, using questions as a kind of tool to maintain direction and peace.

I know, you’re like, “this is weird, Susan, it’s a TV show.” And yet, in this past season, there was a moment that took my breath away. Orna, who is Israeli and identifies as a secular Jew, works with a couple who are Palestinian and Lebanese, respectively. This dynamic is acknowledged right off the bat in the first episode and at the end of their arc, they circle back to it. The Palestinian client felt the love between all of them and Orna takes a moment before she says that in that room, they are doing something subversive by connecting and being in this therapeutic relationship. In other words, no one expects healing to happen between them and yet it is possible, one question at a time. Those stakes are both beautiful and very high all at the same time.

Questions can be just that - healing forces that make people feel a deeper connection or more connected to a truth they’ve been looking for. Questions can also just be fun. How else would you know where Orna learned to teach her dog to speak if you don’t ask?

Recommendations

I, like many, are devouring the book Long Island Compromise by Taffy Brodesser-Akner.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about diet culture and some patterns I’m stuck in and have found the Burnt Toast newsletter and podcast to be a vital resource.

Kiese Laymon and Deesha Philyaw have a fantastic new podcast called Reckon True Stories about the power and possibilities of essays where they talk to incredible writers. I’ve listened to the first two episodes and can’t wait for my next walk with them and Hanif Abdurraqib.

(My current stack)

Teasers

Here are some upcoming topics I’m hoping to tackle:

• Diet culture as a form of evil (as mentioned above)

• Auntwave and “childless” women

• Reading…what do we remember? Does it matter?